oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
