if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
