"it" just moved
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
