Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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