my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
