HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
