***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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