Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
