I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
