Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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