i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
