dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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