Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
