A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
