1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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