so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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