She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
