do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
