News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
