tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
