I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
