So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize