remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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