If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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