I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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