2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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