im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
