Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
