His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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