Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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