Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
