Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
