you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
