i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
