My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
