I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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