My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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