The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My pussy is not your playground.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
