Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
