fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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