Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
