I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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