The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
