The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
