So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
