And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
