Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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