Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize