We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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