Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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