i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
