this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am available for nakedness
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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