please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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