i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
