Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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