I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
