why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
