you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
