i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize